


Nice Pin

by fluffy_subtext



Series: Fan Comics [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: First Kiss, Gen, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Graphic Torture, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-02-19 03:57:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2373614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffy_subtext/pseuds/fluffy_subtext
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set after CA:WS - Jasper Sitwell was a triple agent, with everything falling a part around him and the man who gave him the orders dead he needs to do two things: 1. Survive and 2. Make amends ... but what is he supposed to do with the Winter Soldier?</p><p>(There is both art and fic in this story)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One: Survive

**Author's Note:**

> Special Thanks to emmi_hayes and Nicole <3 for being my betas!!

 

Jasper rubs his hand over the bandage on James’ back.  “Any more places to stitch up?”

James shakes his head no.They’re both tired but the need to move remains. This was someone else’s safe house and he doesn’t feel safe even with the trip wire on the door. Not right now, not with too many people looking for them. Jasper presses his forehead against James’ shoulder for a quick second. The news had flashed a picture of him as part of the KIA Hydra agents. He could only pray that his family would never see it. Jasper pulls back and looks at the man in front of him.

“Do you have any?” James asks him, turning so they are face to face.  

Jasper swallows back everything he wants to shout, yell even. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.  Too many people are dead. Too many friends he doesn’t know the fate of, or if he could still call them friends. Fury is gone. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. They were supposed to make it out alive. “No I wasn't important enough,” he says instead.  “We need to go. We have to stop by one more place and then we need to leave.” When James doesn't move his worry grows and for a moment he wonders if this is the point where the man falls. “Ja-”

“The man I fought today,” James starts.  

Now isn't the time for this and Jasper wants to snap that they can have this talk later. He knows what the other man has been through, what they've both been through, and he knows anger won’t help anything.  Neither would rushing this. Jasper has to remind himself that he wants James to remember everything from his past. (It might help him in the future.)

“He says I knew him, that he knows me. He knew my name.”

Jasper tries to swallow around the knot in his throat. He says nothing. What do you say to that?

“Did you know who I was?” James looks at him with his sharp eyes and Jasper stops himself from reaching forward. “The whole time, did you also-”

“I knew of you,” he answers honestly, because you can’t be friends with Phil Coulson and not know who Bucky Barnes was. “But I didn’t know who you were.  Like he does.  When we met, you knew as much as I could give you.”  He takes a step back.  “I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you, for that part.  I know where you can learn more but we have to leave. Now.”

“Why?  Why didn’t you tell me, you knew? Why is it so important that I come with you?”  James crosses his arms and Jasper is jealous he can do it without flinching. This is a test.  He knows it is.  It still hurts. The other man hasn’t tested him in a long time.

“Because I told you I was going to get you out,” Jasper says lowly, though it rings hollow in his ears. “ And even though I wasn’t able to do it the way I wanted to I’m not letting them have you back.  We’re getting out of here and I swear you can choose where we head. But we have to leave this place now.”

There’s a short stalemate then James’ stance loosens up a bit. “You’re going to tell me everything you know.” He ducks his head as a short laugh escapes him, looking up from under long lashes he gives Jasper a small smirk.  “I’m glad you survived.”

Jasper lets out a bark of a laughter before he can stop it. “I’m really glad you suck at killing me.” It wasn’t the first time James had tried to kill him and it probably wouldn’t be the last. His body aches, reminding him that this time was a little too close.

James moves away to start grabbing their stuff.  Jasper watches him for a moment, feeling too sore to move.  He licks his lips and can’t help but wonder what was going to happen to the both of them.

Would they both be able to make it?

 

**XXX**

 

They make a quick stop at one of Jasper’s actual safe houses.  Miraculously it hasn’t been ransacked, yet. Jasper grabs the box inside his safe and leaves everything else.  James was keeping watch by the window and quickly followed him out. What’s in the box will be able to help him if he gets in a bind.  

That’s all he needs.

A box full of pins; it’s all he has.

The pins are nestled among velvet, the SHIELD logos prominent, when he looks inside. It had been clever and the idea hadn't come to him right away.  As he gained information, recorded HYDRA's moves and future plans, he saved all of it in these pins. His HYDRA teammates had thought it was a clever way to look so loyal while mocking SHIELD. They never knew he was always loyal. If not to SHIELD, than to Fury.

He closes the box and puts it in the trunk.  It will have to do for now.

They make it out of town eventually. Between stealing three cars and checking into different hotels, Jasper finally has to park at a truck stop for rest  The sun is rising but Jasper can’t keep his eyes open anymore and he doesn’t want James driving with practically one useless arm.  They need to get real help.  Jasper leans his head against the steering wheel and sighs. He doesn’t know what to do. He takes a deep breath and tries to think.

He doesn’t have anyone’s orders to follow anymore and that’s part of the problem. He’s always had orders.  His first orders were from his parents, then Señor Loera and then its been Fury ever since.

He doesn’t know what to do.

The strange hollowness inside of him has grown.  He’s been used to it ever since he started with HYDRA, the straw man he’d let himself become. Molars grind at the thought. There’s little that Jasper likes about himself anymore; not after that final mission. And there is no one alive who knows about it now. He looks over at James who is watching a group of truckers outside of the stop.  

Well, one person kind of knows.

He swallows, a plan already forming in his head. It was going to save one of them at least. “Have you thought of where you want to go?” James looks over at him with a furrowed brow. “I said you could choose where we were going.”

“I want to go to Brooklyn.”  Jasper holds back a sigh of relief.  That could work.

“New York won’t be easy for either of us,” he says instead of the other things crossing his mind.  “We’re both in bad shape, we’re going to have to be careful.”  He glances at his duffle bag in the back seat.  “And we need to drop something off first in the city.”

James doesn’t put up and argument. They drive until they find a motel that won’t ask any questions.

It had been easier before this. There had always been missions, goals. Jasper spent his time getting information on and for HYDRA and when James’ leash was loose enough he would find Jasper. The Winter Soldier had never explained his presence. He would just sit in silence, sometimes cleaning his weapons, and  didn’t seem to care if Jasper dropped his mask of ruthless HYDRA agent. The deeper Jasper got into HYDRA the less time he had and soon the only time he could be a little of himself was around the Winter Soldier.  It was a dangerous crutch to have. If the Winter Soldier minded, or noticed even, he never mentioned it. Jasper figured if anything the mercenary only cared about his missions, and he was careful not to slip up.

But then he messed up, big.

 

********

 

_It was on a mission in South Africa where some small terrorist cells had things HYDRA needed. Sitwell was put on Winter Soldier duty. After they got what they wanted, they were supposed to take the small group out. Turns out, Pierce had a deal with a different faction and this was part of it. The problem was the stupid lot of agents had underestimated their enemy. They lost their team while taking out most of the cartel. Sitwell had gotten shot and the Winter Soldier pulled him out. They retreated._

_They hid wherever they could and slowly made their way out of the city. They were about a mile into the jungle before the military came and bombed the entire town.  Both of them watched the city burn knowing they could have been in there and HYDRA hadn’t cared._

_“Why’d you save me?” Sitwell asked as he propped himself against a tree, hand holding his gut where the bleeding hadn’t stopped. The Winter Soldier was silent for a few minutes, watching the fire burn before looking over._

_“You’re different.” His voice was gravely and Sitwell realized he didn’t get to hear it often. “You’re not like the others.  I didn’t-” The other man clenched his fist and made a frustrated noise. “I didn’t want you to die.  We need to keep going before you bleed out.”_

_Sitwell followed him wide-eyed into the jungle, thankful for whatever he did that caused the Winter Soldier to prefer him alive.  They found a traveling doctor eventually and were able to get a hold of HYDRA._

_After all was said and done, Jasper found himself walking back into HYDRA, back into missions with the Winter Soldier. His mission wasn’t done, Jasper told himself. That’s why he went back. But it was getting even more complicated. He slowly got an ally with the Winter Soldier. Bucky Barnes. A man that Phil Coulson had told him about, friends with Captain America. At first Jasper had assumed the Winter Soldier was a shell of the man that Bucky Barnes had been. But the more he watched and the more he learned of what they were doing to the man, the more he realized he needed more time. He needed to get in deeper._

_He had get him out._

_He had to find a way to bring down HYDRA that wouldn’t sacrifice this man. It was obvious that Winter Soldier had no idea who he, himself, was after a while. His memories were gone, his personality forgotten, but his human instinct was still buried there, constantly trying to claw it’s way to the surface. The first time the Winter Soldier had broken into his apartment Sitwell assumed that HYDRA had discovered his true mission and sent the man to kill him. That wasn’t the case at all, and it hadn’t been as awkward as it should have been._

_The Winter Soldier, the shell of Bucky Barnes, had seeked Sitwell out on his own. Sitwell hoped that meant maybe James Barnes was still in there. And maybe he just needed more time away from the Hydra scientists to remember. Sitwell stopped complaining when he found the man sitting at his kitchen table when he got home and stopped calling HYDRA to pick up their soldier as quickly after missions._

_Their relationship changed drastically after a difficult mission that had gone to hell in a handbasket._

 

********

 

_“I can’t deal with you right now.” Sitwell stays seated at his kitchen table with his uneaten dinner and half a bottle of cheap scotch. The Winter Soldier looks at it before walking over to the table. “I really can’t-” Sitwell can’t even get it out.  He puts a fist to his mouth to silent a sob. He couldn’t keep doing this. Damn Fury.  Damn that man._

_“He was a friend?” The Winter Soldier asks and it surprises him. He looks up. “The man that you shot today.  You knew him?”_

_Sitwell tries to remember to breathe. “Yes.” He pours some more  to drink. “He had a family.  His son is in fifth grade.  His daughter just turned thirteen. His wife cooks an amazing brisket.” He downs the shot. “He was an amazing SHIELD agent. A real SHIELD agent.” He doesn’t know why he clarifies at the end._

_Agent Wu had accidently stumbled on a HYDRA mission.  The look of utter betrayal on the man’s face, the pure hatred. Sitwell throws his glass against the wall._

_This wasn’t worth it._

_He had to get out. He had to stop this.  He had to tell Fury. He looks up at the man standing in front of him.  He had learned about what they do to this man.  The chair they put him in when he shows the slightest sign of disobedience. The chamber they put him in when he can’t be used._

_He couldn’t leave him to HYDRA._

_At this point he was finding it hard to see where SHIELD ended and HYDRA began._

_The Winter Soldier is clearly confused, a ghost of something akin to remorse caught in his expression. After a moment he finally looks to Jasper  the question coming out slowly. “Why didn’t you make someone else-”_

_“I wasn’t going to let a man like Wu get murdered by someone who would enjoy it!” he barks out bitterly. Suddenly there is a hand against his cheek as the Winter Soldier catches a tear with one of his non-metal fingers.  “He deserved more than that.  I couldn’t save him but I promise, I swear I’m going to save you.” The Winter Soldier looks at him, surprised, and Sitwell grabs his arm to keep him from pulling away._

_“I’m glad you mourn for him,” the Winter Soldier says throwing Sitwell off. “I’d like to think that I would mourn for you.”_

_“If HYDRA wants to kill me I hope they send you.” It slips from his mouth and Sitwell knows it’s messed up. The setting isn’t right and the mood isn’t either but suddenly they’re kissing._

__

_Sitwell ignores the thoughts in his head that say this isn’t right, he should stop, that he really can’t trust this man.  He’s crossed so many lines at this point why stop now. The Winter Soldier grabs his shoulders pulling him closer and Sitwell clings._

_Its not great. There’s a lot of fumbling of neither of them really knowing where to put their hands. It ends with them against the kitchen counter, the Winter Soldier balancing against the counter with his metal arm and Sitwell jerking them both off.  Afterwards the Winter Soldier leans his forehead against Sitwell’s shoulder and Sitwell leans his head against the other mans._

_“James.”_

_“Hm?” Sitwell wipes the mess in his hands off on his pants. He’s not the one thats going to have to report to his superiors soon._

_“My name.” The Winter Soldier pushes back and looks at him. “I think its James.”_

_“You’re remembering,” he whispers awed. “James.”_

_“I don’t know if its remembering.” The man looks around then down at his clothes. “But just so you know.  In case you ever, or if I ...” The man frowns. “I wanted someone to know my name, or at least what I think it is.”_

_Millions of people know you’re name, he wants to say. Kids learn about you in school.  So many people know more about you than you do right now._

_“We probably can’t do this again.” Sitwell waves between them. “We shouldn’t have now.”_

_“You’re right.”  And then James is there kissing him again.  “We really shouldn’t.” Another kiss.  “But I like it so I’m going to keep doing it.”  He pulls back and Sitwell swears he sees something mischievous in the mans eyes.  “Only if its okay with you.”_

_“Lets get you cleaned up before you go back.” Sitwell hops down and tries to ignore the sudden butterflies in his stomach._

_He ends up joining in the shower to preserve water of course._

 

**XXX**

 

Neither of them really sleep at the motel. They both just lay on the bed pretending that they can relax. Jasper breathes slowly trying to figure out if he can get away with his plan.  If he could do it without James hating him afterwards.  He knew that only one of them had a chance at redemption and it wasn’t him.

 He was going to do the right thing.

James gets up and goes to the bathroom and Jasper sets his plan in motion.  He goes to the first aid kit he grabbed and starts switching labels. He was going to have to remember he did this later.  He moves to get the tool box out.

"What are you doing?” James pokes his head out of the bathroom.  He looks like shit and Jasper thinks that he might actually look worse.

“I’m getting the tools out.  If we’re going to make it into New York City and Brooklyn without getting gunned down we’re going to have to take your arm off.  People are less likely to pay attention to a disabled man.  It makes some people uncomfortable.” Jasper puts the tool box on the table and looks back at him.  “We can hide it in our car.”

“What if we get attacked? We stand a better chance if I have both arms.”  James comes forward, frowning.  

“We don’t have to remove it yet, we can do it when we get closer to the city.”  Jasper touches the cold metal genty.  “I just think we have a better chance right now if you don’t have it.  Also we might have to go through some checkpoints and no one knows what you look like.”

“What about you?” He’s obviously upset about the arm thing.

“We need to get some new clothes, I think I saw a dry-cleaners on our way in.”  Jasper yawns, exhausted.  “We’ll get clothes and a new car.”

 

**XXX**

 

The most he ends up being able to do for himself is dress like a hipster.  He somehow finds skinny jeans that he barely fit into, a plaid shirt that’s a little too big and a beanie to cover his head.  He ends up having to keep his boots but he’s pretty sure that no one would ever look for him like this.  James on the other hand looks like a homeless man.

“I can’t believe people want this shit dry cleaned.  What happened to nice suits?” Jasper sighs and actually gets a smirk from James.  “Don’t laugh at me, I can barely breath in these pants.  We can’t all have white-boy flat asses now can we?”

James rolls his eyes. “I like this look on you.”

“I’m sure you do.” Jasper smiles. “Drink it in because you’ll never see me wearing this shit again.” He doesn’t add that this might be the last thing James will see him in.

The drive ends up being two hours because of traffic and back roads.  When the city is in sight Jasper can feel the anxiety rolling off the other man. “You don’t have to take your arm off.”

“I’d rather not get caught.” James glares ahead.

“Lets do it now.”  Jasper pulls off to the side of the road.  “Get in the back so I can numb your arm a bit before I take it off.”

“Do you remember how?”  James moves to the back without getting out of the car.  Jasper has to tell himself that the snide tone is only because of the process and not because James has realized his plan.  

“Yes. I just need a few things..”  He gets out to get medical supplies from the trunk.  He keeps telling himself he has to do this.  He has to do this for James.  If he doesn’t they’ll both end up dead somewhere.

Jasper takes a deep breath and grabs what he needs before heading to the back where the other man is carefully pulling off his shirt. He gives himself a second before crawling in beside him. “C’mon, I’m going to numb your skin a bit."

James lets out an unsatisfied noise but doesn’t say anything.  Jasper gives him a small smile.  “I promise you will not be far from it.”  He pulls out the syringe and quickly gives the other man a shot where his neck and shoulder meet.  He starts fumbling for the tiny clasps to take off the arm. “Let me know if you need more.”  Jasper holds his breath. James shouldn't’ need more than one shot, he gave him enough to knock him out for a couple of hours. He quickly snaps off the elbow and forearm and starts disconnecting the wires.  James clenches his teeth.

“What did you give me?” He grab’s Jaspers hand that was moving up to disconnect his upper arm, his hand clenching tight.

“Anesthetic to numb the-” He winces when James jerks his hand back.

“No you didn’t.”  The man glares at him.  Jasper has to swallow the lump in his throat as the man’s body shakes.  “Why-”

“You’re going to live.”  Jasper grabs his face and forces the man to look at him.  He worries for a second that he might have given him too much. “You’re going to live and you’re going to find out who you were and you’re going to live a better life.”

“Jasper-” The man glares at him, hurt ... betrayed, looks he has gotten used to seeing over these years.  It seems to hurt worse this time.  Even his hands are shaking now 

“You’re the only one who knows now.  You’re the only one that knows me, that knows about my mission.  I need you to be alive.”  His voice trembles.  “You can’t stay with me.  I’m a liability to you.  When you wake up just know that ... I’m sorry.”

“But why?” Jasper  watches as the man’s eyes close slowly before he slumps, finally out.  He takes several deep breaths just holding onto James in the back of the car.  He has to finish it now.  He has to get James to the right person.  He looks out the window.

Fortunately, that person is in New York.

 

**XXX**

 

“Sir.”

“JARVIS.” Tony sighs.  “Please tell me SHIELD isn’t really HYDRA.” He’s curled up in his comforter on the bed.  It was his first night sleeping since he had found the news and proceeded to block every SHIELD network he could from any of his networks.  It was going to be a long process.

“I’m sorry sir.” The AI pauses bless his metaphorical heart.  Tony huffs against the pillow.  “Sir, last night my surveillance over the left wing of the Stark Tower garage went out for 15 minutes.”

Tony sits up.  “What’s up?”

“There is now a red sedan parked on the fourth floor.  It was reported stolen two days ago and it is not registered to any employee at our company.” Not that that mattered because every Stark employee was put on temporary paid leave as they went through even more extensive background checks.  “Sir there is someone inside and if my reading are correct they’ve been heavily sedated.”

“Shit, shit, shit” Tony chants as he hops up and heads to his lab.

“Sir, the new suit isn’t ready yet.”

“I know! How far away is Rhodey?" 

“He’s in the kitchen, currently.”  Tony stops.  That’s right, Rhodey had come straight to Stark Tower after DC.  He changes route to the kitchen.  It doesn’t take long before both of them are standing a few feet away from the car.  There’s obviously someone in the back but they aren’t moving. Rhodey is in full War Machine gear and Tony has a half made gauntlet in one hand.

“You sure about this pal?” Rhodey’s voice comes from the suit.

“JARVIS. Our guest is still sleeping right?” Tony walks up slowly.

“Yes sir.”

“Let me open it Tony.”  Rhodey nudges Tony back, he debates arguing for a second but keeps his mouth shut.  The other man has a suit.  War Machine rips the door off the car and pauses.

“Who is it?” Tony peaks around.

“Tony, we need to call Steve.”  Rhodey’s face mask goes up.

“Shit.”  Tony looks wide-eyed.  In the back of the car is a rough looking man wrapped in bandages having obviously been in a fight.  There’s a metal arm on the car floor and and in the man’s lap is a box with a note laying on top.  He slowly reaches forward and grabs the note while looking at the mans face.  “Does he look familiar to you?  I think I’ve seen him before.”

“He does, JARVIS? You getting anything?”

“Shit.” Tony looks at the note. “We need to call Cap.  Is he awake yet?”

“What?” Rhodey grabs the note.

“It would seem the man in the car is James Buchanan Barnes.” JARVIS’ voice rings out.  

“Do you think he was HYDRA?” Tony can’t help but ask.

It was a question they’d get an answer to later.

 

**XXX**

 

END PART 1


	2. Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky doesn't know what to do with where his life is right now, but he knows one person can help. If he can find the guy.

_He was tied down, he couldn’t move. Restrained. They had tied his hands again. No. They had tied his legs too, nothing could move.  What had he done?  They only did this when he-when he was bad.  When he- he shivers._

_He wasn’t tied._

_He was frozen._

James Barnes sits up gasping for air and looks around the room.

“Mr. Barnes do you know where you are?”

A soft blue glow fills the room and he looks up at the ceiling where the voice came from. It takes him longer than he wishes to realize its not a new experiment for him to experience. There was no immediate pain.  No, he wasn’t there anymore.  He wasn’t still there. He touches the soft blanket on the bed and takes a deep breath.

“Mr. Barnes, do I need to call for assistance?”

“N-no. New York.”  He shakes his head and sighs. Frustrated. “I’m in New York. Avengers Tower. It’s 2015.” He takes deep calming breaths and shivers again.

“Would you like me to warm up the room?” The voice’s name is JARVIS, James remembers it now.  He takes more breaths.  He’s been here for months, they’ve kept him here away from the government, away from HYDRA and away from what’s left of SHIELD.

“No, thank you.” He shakes his head and heads to the bathroom. Six months. James looks at himself in the mirror. He keeps waiting to wake up. To find that he really is still frozen, that this is all a dream. He pushes all his weight against the counter, though he isn’t cold.  (He isn’t.) He was just imagining it. They would come for him if he called them. Steve would come.

“What time is it?” He asks instead. He doesn’t need them to come. If this is all real he needs to adapt, to figure out what his next mission is.

“3am.”

James sighs. He makes his way across the room - maybe he could use the gym - and opens the door to see Tony Stark with his arm raised as if he’s about to knock.

“JARVIS told me you were awake.” The man starts. He looks like he hasn’t slept in two days. “I thought of an upgrade for your arm and I need-”

“Stark.” James can’t help the small smile that forms on his lips. He leans against the door frame.

“What?” The man frowns.  James wonders: if he pushes him would he fall over. The man was smart and hard to keep up with sometimes (like his father, his brain supplies, had been).

“When was the last time you slept?”

“Oh like I need YOU to be sassing me too.” The shorter man rolls his eyes and crosses his arms before realizing he is holding screwdriver. He looks at it surprised before putting it in his pocket and pointing at James. “Bucko.”

“Well I’m not letting you touch my arm unless you’ve had more than 6 hours of sleep in the last 24.” James pauses. “Not again.”

Stark makes a face. “Last time went perfectly fine, I didn’t even change any-”

“I’m talking about the time before that.” He watches the man think before sighing at a loss. Stark rubs his hands through his hair and they come out black with grease.

“Fair enough.” The man shrugs. “Thought it wasn’t my fault. I’ll think we’ll both admit it was your fault.”

“You electrocuted me, yourself and Dr. Banner.” James tilts his head watching the man. It hadn’t been good. James hates to admit but it had brought him back to when he was with HYDRA. Not good for him, yet again his breakdown had apparently stopped Banner from becoming the Hulk out of worry. In the end it could have been worse.

“It was Bruce’s fault then.” Stark huffs.  James doesn’t know what to do with this man.  It doesn’t seem like Stark is going to leave. He looks back into his room yet he definitely doesn’t want to get back in bed.

“You wanna go to the gym with me?”

Stark grins manically. “Can I place sensors on your arm and test what it can really do?”

“Sure.”

“Then lead the way, good man.”

XXX

 

“JARVIS has there been any sighting of him?” James stretches as the screens turn on. He knew the others knew about this project. There is no reason for the computer to not tell its masters.  He looks up when the picture of Jasper Sitwell appears. It is his last sighting a month ago in Spain. JARVIS had found him on a camera but couldn’t figure out where he vanished after that. James needs to find him.

That man has answers.

He clenches his metal fist tightly.  He was still angry. Why had Jasper left him behind?  Where did he go? Why had he left him with Stark and not the government?

“I’m sorry, sir, but there hasn’t been any sighting. I will keep you updated if he does pop up. Is there anything else I can help you with?” James thinks he might be a little crazy to think the machine house is mother henning him.

He looks at the picture of Jasper again. “Any unusual activity in the area? Police?”

“I am sorry Mr. Barnes, nothing unusual.” The computer does sound apologetic. James shifts. If he wasn’t here he would have found him by now. If he wasn’t here-

“May I remind you that both Captain Rogers and Mr. Sam Wilson are expecting you at 8 in the foyer.”

James frowns.  “Yeah, thanks.”

XXX

Sam and Steve are eating breakfast at the kitchen table when he finally gets downstairs. James watches how the blond man smiles so easily next to the other man. There’s a dull ache in his chest as Steve tosses his head back to laugh.  James watches, staying to the side waiting for them to notice him on their own.  He finds himself smirking at the laughter in the room.

He remembers a lot now, not everything, but a lot. That they were friends growing up, about their families and friends.  The army .. the war. He remembers some things more clearly than others but .. it all seems like someone else watching it.  Like it wasn’t really him who lived through it but as if he was watching a movie about someone he wishes he was.

“Hey there, Grumpy Cat.” Sam teases easily.  James likes him ... he just doesn’t know what to do with him.  The man is nice to Steve, he’s nice to everyone.  He doesn’t walk on eggshells either.  He’s not a head doctor but he seems to have experience.

“Morning, Buck.” Steve’s smile is a little forced now. They still haven’t figured everything out.  He nods.

“Morning fellas.” He offers a small smile and Steve’s smile is back full force.  James likes it when Steve thinks things are okay. So he’ll do his best to keep it that way. Sam makes a face at Steve who just huffs with a smile and picks up his bowl.

“Mind if we chat, James?” Sam grins at him and he shrugs. Talking with Sam hasn’t been horrible, it’s not as frustrating as it can be with Steve sometimes.  He doesn’t like talking to Tony, for other reasons and Natasha’s been gone for a week. No one’s told him about that either but he’s been watching the news and her court showings.

“He going to feel left out?” He motions at Steve with his head.  He smirks when Steve just huffs and puts his bowl in the sink before leaving.  The blond would stay nearby. He always did.

“He’s a big baby.” Sam shakes his head. They sit in comfortable silence for a moment. James can’t help but feel curious. “I’m just wondering how you’re doing.”  The man finally says, looking him in the eye.  “And I’m sorry you’re stuck here for now.”

“I did a lot of bad things.” If comes out of his mouth before he even thinks about it.  He frowns and looks down. Sam doesn’t say anything.  “I did a lot of bad things and I killed a lot of people.  I tried to kill Steve.” He runs his hand over his metal arm.

“You do not start off with the easy stuff.” Sam huffs and James looks at him.

“I don’t know how I am.” He answers honestly because he has a choice and he knows if he tells the other man to back off he will. “I dreamed that they had put me on ice again and then I wake up and I’m not there.”

“But you don’t know for sure.” Sam says softly. “You think you might still be dreaming.”  It wasn’t a question. James just huffs and crosses his arms. “How can we prove it to you?”

“You can’t.” James frowns.

“You don’t have to do things by yourself anymore. We’re all here.” Sam is meeting his eyes with a small hopeful smile. James sighs.

“Sometimes. You guys leave. I can’t.” He looks down at the table immediately, dread filling him.  They said it was okay if he argued with them.  They said it was okay if he disagreed. He kept waiting for them to change their mind.

“You want to leave?” Sam asks and James lets out a small sigh of relief at the tone. He’s not in trouble. He shakes his head before pausing.

“If I want to go somewhere.  Can I?”

“Is this about Agent Sitwell?” Steve walks into the room and Sam glares at him. He ignores it as James flinches and he looks at the blond.  Steve doesn’t look angry, his expression tight but neutral.  

He looks up at the ceiling. “JARVIS let you guys know?” He asks instead of answering.

“Yeah.” Sam sighs, “But its not because we don’t trust you. We’ve also been looking for him and JARVIS thought it would be good if we let you in on it.” James looks at him surprised.

“Why are you looking?” He asks cautiously.

“He did a lot of bad things he needs to answer for.” Steve is remaining quiet, obviously feeling chastised by Sam’s glare earlier.

“But he also left you here with Tony instead of taking you back to HYDRA. He also gave us a bunch of those pins that had a lot of information on them.”  Sam pauses looking at him. “Why are you?”

James looks him in the eyes. “He will prove to me all of this is real.”

“What if you can’t find him?” Sam asks quietly. “What if none of us can?”

“Then he’s probably dead.” James ignores how that possibility makes him feel. “And I’ll have to find some other way.”

XXX

A man named Clint shows up. James has seen him on the TV and he remembers seeing him when he was with HYRDA too.

“I was ordered to kill you once.” He says when the man introduces him. “My handler cancelled the order before I followed through.” His handler had been Jasper at the time. It had been a close call and he had been put back in stasis immediately after.  The sandy haired man blinks at him before letting out a laugh.

“We’ll thank him for me if you ever see him again.” Clint smiles freely and James is jealous. He’s a great fighter but James still beats him at close combat so he forgives him a little bit. Natasha laughs and he starts seeing her at the tower more.

XXX

A transmission comes to the tower.

“Mr. Barnes.” JARVIS calls him sounding urgent.  He looks up at the ceiling from where he is laying on the mat in the gym.  He’s trying to wear himself out but Tony, Steve and Sam are all gone. He doesn’t know where they went. “Theres a transmission incoming from Italy. It’s being received by one of the pins Agent Sitwell left with you.”

He’s up immediately. “Have you told anyone else?”

“I cannot hail Mr. Stark or Captain Rogers.” The computer answers. James’ heart is beating wildly and he thinks of what he should do. “They are in the middle of political court.”

“Can I see the transmission?” Immediately a holo screen pops up and information starts floating down the screen. It’s more information on HYDRA bases and loyalties in Europe. “Where is this coming from?”

“An area outside Galarate, Italy.” A map is pulled up. “There seems to be some sort of illegal commune.”

“Is Natasha or Clint here?”

“Yes, they are up in the kitchens.” JARVIS answers, James swears there was a little hesitation. He moves immediately.

“I need your help.” He says, walking into the kitchen.  Both of them stop and look at him. Barton has a spoonful of cereal halfway to his mouth. “I need to get to Italy.”

“Mr. Barnes, I do not think that would be wise.” JARVIS chimes in but James stares at the people at the table.

“I think we found Jasper.” He waits nervously. “Please.”

“Is he alive?” Natasha asks as they both stand.

“I don’t know.” He keeps himself from letting the relief show. “Stark and Steve don’t know.” He adds just in case they’d be worried about something like that.

“Well, you know the saying, what they won’t know is no hair off my back.” Clint offers a smile and Natasha hits him on the back of his head. “Meet at the Quinjet in 10, I’ll go grab my gear.” He looks at Natasha, “I’m flying.”

“Tsk невежливый” She grins and grabs James’s arm. “You’re with me.”

“Thank you.” He whispers. She eyes him from the side.

“You didn’t think we would say yes?” She asks as they make their way down to the hanger.

“I’ve only left this building once since I’ve been here and it was because Sam took me to a museum.” He looks at her. “I did not think you would say yes.”

“Asked anyway?” She smirks.

“I hoped.” He answers honestly. “Stark hasn’t let me fly his new toy yet but I know both you and Clint have. I ... don’t know either of you very well but then again I don’t know anyone here very well.” He shrugs with a smirk.

“I do not think this is wise Miss Romanoff.” JARVIS chimes in.

“Noted JARVIS.” She smirks. “Let Steve and Tony know when they’re done. Tell them we’re keeping an eye on things and everything is under control.  Can you send the location to the Quinjet?”

“Already done. It is fueled and ready to go.” The computer answers.

“Thank you JARVIS.” She hands James a black leather bundle. He looks down at it confused. “You’re not going in your gym clothes. Stark had this made for you for when you join on missions.”

James nods stripping out of his clothes and changing into the new ones. The thought that they expected him to join them at some point made him feel warm. He doesn’t know what to do with these emotions but he finds himself smiling. It seems very similar to the outfit he’s seen Natasha wear. He looks at his metal arm. “Only one sleeve?”

“You know Stark thinks your arm is sexy.” She’s in front of him handing him guns, already changed. “You going to be good with these?”

“Yes.” He puts them in their holsters.

“Lets go.” They walk out into the hangar where he can see Clint already changed and in the cockpit, talking on his headset.

“Please return the Quinjet in one piece.” JARVIS seems resigned. James smirks.

“Of course JARVIS.” Natasha grins.

“We have a couple of hours.” Clint says as they get in the cockpit. “I’ve called in some friends to see if they have any information on this commune so we’re not flying in blind.  There are also some old SHIELD personnel still over there if you want me to ask for backup.” He looks over a James who shakes his head immediately.

The chances of bringing Jasper in alive would lessen with the help of former SHIELD agents. He looks at the two people helping him. “I’d like to bring him back alive.”

Clint snorts. “Me too.”

Natasha puts her hand on Clint’s shoulder. “Get us in the air, we’ll switch in four hours.”

“Yes ma’am.” The man says and Natasha nods to James to head to the back. He follows.

“I don’t want you to be confused.” She says as they sit down and buckle in. “You asked us for help and we said yes.  It’s because we all want him back over here.” She eyes him. “But they might be different reasons.”

He doesn’t say anything, he expected this.

“He has a lot of things to answer for.” She looks towards the cockpit. “Clint has a lot of questions too.”

“I have questions too.” He adds stubbornly.

She gives him a look.  “As long as we all understand each other then.”

XXX

There was something wrong.

They landed and there was no movement. All three of them are looking from the other side of the fence. The air smelt likely like freshly cut grass. James put his hand over his mouth. Something is wrong.

“Clint, you stay here and cover our backs.” Natasha waits for him to finish cutting a hole in the fence.  Coms were live and it felt odd in his ear. “Our goal is Sitwell, in and out. Let’s not do anything stupid.  I’ll take lead.”

“Aye aye, Captain.” Clint salutes her with a grin and they’re both off. James follows her closely; this is a mission.

They still haven’t seen anyone by the time they make it to their first building. They slowly make their way through the rooms, revealing this building is a classroom. There is no one and they move to the next. This building is full of weapons, James feels his skin crawling that there has been no contact. It’s a trap. It has to be at trap. The next room they see their first body.  There’s a man on the floor as if he just fell down. Natasha reaches down and checks his pulse, shakes her head.

“Barton, have you seen any movement?” She asks quietly as they move on.

“Nothing, see anyone yet?”

“One body so far, already dead.” She continues and James follows closely.  “Someone was here before us.”

The next building is full of bodies. They don’t check for pulses this time and neither of them mention the smaller bodies. Jasper’s dead. He realizes, if that man is still here he’s dead like all of these people.

One more building that turns out to be a mess hall with bodies lying around. Natasha stays quiet and they move. The next building is full of large metal tubes. They’re huge.

“Barton, get the quinjet ready to go and let the authorities know there’s been a Phosgene leak in this area.” Natasha is pulling them both out of the building.  “Everyone here is dead.”

“Shit are you guys okay?” They can hear Barton moving now, leaving the perch he had made for himself. “What the fuck do they have that stuff for?”

“We’re heading back, we should be-” She stops and James sees it too.  There’s a light coming from the ground.  He immediately moves toward it, ignoring her hand motion to stop. There’s a latch on the ground. He looks at her. It’s hard to hear it but theres a faint crying. There are children in there.

“Shelter?” He asks and she nods at the door.  He quickly opens, his arm’s strength breaking the lock that had it closed and points his gun down.

There’s a stairwell leading down but the crying is louder now. They both move down and are greeted by the sight of about fifteen children, all girls no older than fifteen if James had to guess.  They’re all wearing long white dresses that are covered in dirt and grime. All of them are huddled in the back of the room and against the wall on the left side.  

On the right side is Jasper Sitwell tied up to a chair.  He’s not moving and covered in blood.

****

James hears Natasha speaking to the girls in Italian but he can’t focus on what they’re saying. He walks over to the man quickly and checks his pulse on his neck.  The man’s body is warm, covered in sweat and blood.  There’s a small pulse.

“Hold your breath girls.” The wounded whispers quietly. He doesn’t even seem to have noticed him or Natasha, James moves in from of him and gets on his knees to meet his eyes ... eye.  

His right eye has been burned ... branded? It’s scarred and James doubts Jasper will ever have use of that one again. His other eye is shut closed. He hasn’t even acknowledged someone was touching him.

“Don’t breathe.” Sitwell slurs.

James looks over at Natasha who’s checking on each of the girls. She looks at him. “We need to get out of here, we don’t know if they’ve been exposed.”  He nods and looks back at Jasper. The man had been tortured but he needs to move him. He pulls out a knife and starts cutting all the strings.

Jasper groans and opens his eye. “Here t’kill me?” The brown eye looks at him and James lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. Relief hitting him in the chest hard. The familiarity of the question, that question coming from this man.

“Not today.” He answers and picks him up.

XXX

He watches Jasper sleep.

James scowls at the prone body strapped down to the bed.  They're in route back to the states, Clint flying the plane and Natasha is probably keeping him company in the cockpit. Stark and Banner are waiting for them in the city and Steve ... Steve is probably waiting for them there too, or in the gym working off anger. He's furious that James left, that Natasha and Clint didn't stop him. He probably gave up future chances of helping their team out on missions.  He glares down at the man on the bed.  He gave it up for him.

“He’s not going to wake up for a while.” James looks up at Natasha as she slides over to check the prone man’s vitals.  “Stark has a medical team waiting for us when we get there.”  She gives him a sideways glance. “The girls are all in Milan now and being treated. They’re all fine as they can be.”

"You’re surprised we found him?” He asks watching her look over Jasper closely.

“No.  He wasn’t going anywhere.”  She’s still looking at him questioningly. “I’m just curious. You’re not bringing him to a place he’s going to be well received. Even with my warnings. I’m surprised you didn’t try to get Clint and I to leave you behind.”

“I know.” He looks back at the man and away from her gaze. “He was a constant for me.” He says because he can’t think of any other way to put it.  How he’s remembering things the longer he’s awake.  How it haunts him, how much he wants .. needs someone to tell him what to do sometimes. “I can remember him. Even with HYDRA. He would keep me out of the chamber, it helped me remember things, not being frozen as often.” He hasn’t told anyone this. “I remember him and I can’t leave Steve again. I need both of them.”

“You remember what he’s done.” She nods at the handcuffs on the medical bed. Again, the tone says nothing.  James frowns but nods.

“And you’ll remember that he’s the reason I’m with you guys.” He bites back, feeling oddly defensive.  

“Against your will.” She says barely loud enough for him to hear but he knows she did it on purpose.  Natasha pushes the buttons. He debates moving to the cockpit to join Clint.

“He’s not going to wake up.”  She stands and stretches.  He just nods and watches her go back to the front of the plane.  He wonders if she’s worried about his loyalty.  She’s definitely more sane than Steve.

James looks over at Jasper.  This man saved his life more than once.  This man had treated him differently from all the other handlers, had treated him like he was more man than weapon.  He remembers the surprise of being fed home cooked meals on missions, that this man’s singing voice was atrocious.  He grimaces as his chest aches. This man was worth saving even if he couldn’t put it in words.

There was more going on than any of them understood.

XXX

“You could have waited for us.” Steve is pacing back and forth in the living room. James wants to look down and see if he’s wearing out the carpet but he refrains. Everyone had evacuated the room as soon as James had stepped in.

“I didn’t know when you were coming back.” He tries, though this frustrates him. He feels like he’s being chastised and it makes him defensive.

“You could have asked JARVIS-or-”

“If we had waited there’s no knowing if we would have made it in time. He lost a lot of blood and they were all exposed to that gas.” He crosses his arms. “If we had waited they could have died.”

“It could have been a trap.” Steve stops pacing and puts his hand to his nose. James suddenly sees a blonde woman doing the same thing. She’s smaller than Steve is now but she was bigger and stronger and braver than any of them ever- he shakes his head and lets out a frustrated noise.  

“Bucky are you okay?”  Steve asks.

“I’m fine.” He puts his hand to his face mimicking the one he saw a moment ago. Steve is standing a lot closer than he was earlier. “You’re mom used to make that face.” He says instead and Steve looks at him surprised. “I just ... remembered ...”

“You weren’t very good at listening to her either.” Steve says light heartedly.  “Bucky it worked out this time but-”

“I had to Steve.” James wants to stomp his foot, he’s finding words difficult. He always has a harder time around this man. “He saved my life, he is my friend, I couldn’t leave him behind do you understand that?”

Steve gives him a sour look and James winces, worried he might have crossed a line he didn’t know about.

“I understand.” The man’s tone is off. “But you could have put Nat and Clint in danger, yourself. What if something had happened? None of us would have known until it was too late. Next time, please call code red or wait.  I would have come and helped, Buck."

James lowers his eyes to the floor, letting the room get swallowed in silence. James clinches his fist. It's hard to get used to.  Someone caring about you so much. Someone that would and did care if you never came back.  

“I’m glad you found him.” He looks up to see Steve giving him a small smile. The blond touches his shoulder, and it’s hesitant, not at all like the unconscious gesture of before. “I’m glad you found him alive.”

“Me too.” James offers a small smile back. It twists in him that it’s something he still struggles to remember.

XXX

“Fuck.”

James almost jumps at the word coming from the body on the bed. Jasper shifts but can’t move his arms far because they’re both handcuffed to the bed he’s on. It seems as soon as he realizes this he opens the one eye he still can. James leans over so he can see him and the brown eye focuses on him. He doesn’t say anything, waiting for the other man. They had him in an induced coma for a week for him to heal. James had been waiting for him to wake up.

“Are we dead?” His voice is rough and James leave to get water with a straw, letting him take a few drinks before he answers.

“No. We’re in New York.”  Jasper’s expression closes off. James wonders what’s going through his head.

“I never thought I was going to see you again.” The other man whispers.

“I am angry at you,” James responds causing Jasper to look up at him surprised. “You should have taken me with you.”

“No.” Jasper glares at him, “If I had taken you with me they would have taken you back. I promised to get you out. I did. You are alive. I do not regret that.”

“You said you would follow me.” James wants to touch him but can’t. Not right now when he’s so angry.  “You said you would follow me.”

“I said I would give you a life.” Jasper’s voice raises but the man closes his eye. “I said I would give you a life. I would make sure you lived. I would help you figure out who you were. I never said I would be there for it.”

“What if I wanted you to be?” James bites out angrily and then puts his hand over his mouth surprised. He had thought they were going to do this together. This man that saved his humanity.  “I thought we were going to do it together.” He whispers. After everything they had been through.

“Gentlemen, Captain Rogers and Miss Romanoff are on their way here.” JARVIS’ voice made Sitwell flinch. James looks up, thankful for the warning.

“I’m sorry, James.” Jasper reaches for him but is stopped by the handcuffs. He puts his hand back down. “I’m sorry. There was no way I could give you any of those things as long as you were with me and I’m sorry. If I could have come up with another way I would have but I couldn’t.”

James feels angrier than he has in a long time. He looks up at Steve and Natasha as they come in, he glares down at Jasper before leaving, ignoring their questioning looks.  He didn’t have to be there and now he didn’t even know if he was wanted there. He heads straight to the gym knowing if he went to his room he’d end up destroying something and the last thing he needed right now was more guilt.

What the hell was Jasper talking about?  Who was he to decide? He grabbed the closest weight stand and threw it as hard as he could, causing the weights to go everywhere.

“Mr. Barnes please-”

He hits the punching bag Steve had been using this morning with his metal fist causing it to go flying and sending sand everywhere. He hears JARVIS say something but he ignores it. He doesn’t like the way he feels. Flashes of memory hit him, times he’s felt this hopeless. He’s at a funeral and finds Steve later. He sees his friend signing up for the army again and again. He knows what he’s doing he wrong when he kills his targets that HYDRA gives him but he does it anyway. Why can’t he please them?  Why are they always mad? Why can’t he please Pierce? If he doesn’t please them they just erase it all again.

He’s tired of them erasing it.

Erasing Him.

“Barnes!” He stops when he hears Sam Wilson’s voice. He’s holding what he’s sure used to be part of a balance beam. He looks over at the black man who’s standing out of reach with his arms raised as if he’s approaching a wild animal. James lets out a laugh, maybe because he is.

“You with me buddy?” Sam takes another step closer. “Do you know where you are?”

“I-” His voice sounds awful. “I’m at Avengers Tower. I’m in New York. Its 2015.” He breaths and drops the beam. He looks around the room. It’s trashed. “I didn’t go to my room because I was worried I was going to destroy it.” He says softly and Sam’s right there putting a hand on his arm. His eyes soft and understanding.

“Would you like a cup of water? Do you need to sit down?” Sam asks gently. James is about to say no and start apologizing but instead he finds himself sitting on the ground right there as if his body was answering for him.  Sam immediately sits beside him like its no big deal, they had planned to sit here in the middle of this mess. James breathes in and out.

****

“I’m sorry I-” He starts looking around at the mess. “I am so angry.”

“Can I ask about what?” Sam asks, keeping eye contact.

“I ...” James runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”  He looks down at the floor instead of at the other man. “How am I supposed to know? I’ve been under HYDRA’s care for 90 years and now everyone is expecting me to just be Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’s best pal and that everything will be okay. But it’s not and I know Steve understands but I feel like I’m failing him. And it makes me ...” He presses his hand against his chest. “When I was with HYDRA at the beginning I remember fighting it and they would hurt me and then I eventually forgot to fight it. I thought it was the right thing.”

He takes a few breathes for a pause. “They erased me a few times, tried to start over but the more they did it the less effect it had. So I started pretending it worked so they wouldn’t try to find a new means. I had been with them long enough I knew what they wanted. I didn’t want them to erase me again.”

“And then I meet Jasper.” He tugs on his hair, it’s getting really long. “Agent Sitwell, my new handler. Only the man sang in the middle of missions, he would cook food for everyone at the safe houses. He treated me like I was more than a weapon and I started to remember.” His throat feels tight. “I started to remember who I was. It was so scary and confusing and he was the one that realized the longer he kept me out of stasis the more I would remember and the less effect it would have later. Here’s this man promising to get me out of HYDRA, to help me find out who I was before ... putting his life on the line.  I could have reported him. I gave him no reason to trust me.”

“He treated me like a human being and I felt something.” He looks at Sam. “And I’m so angry. He made choices without consulting me. He chose what he thought was best and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to protect him. And he doesn’t regret it.”

They sit in silence for a little while, nudging pieces of the surrounding chaos with their feet. Sam clears his throat. “James I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you, what you’re even going through and I’d love to be the one you talk to when you need someone. Sometimes when you care about people, you put their care over yours. You’re mad because he made choices for you but I can’t be mad at him because he brought you here, he brought you to Steve and to the Avengers and if anyone on this planet can help you it’s them.  I don’t know his side of the story, when I met him he was a HYDRA agent hellbent on killing a lot of people ... and then you threw him out of a window into oncoming traffic.”

“I had been reset after my first fight with Steve.” James looks at him.  “I tried to kill all of you.”

“And none of us are holding that against you.” Sam laughs. “See this is my life now, Steve threw me into this and I wouldn’t change it for anything. What I’m saying is, what you’re feeling is real and you should listen to it. You’re feeling betrayed? Maybe don’t take it out on the gym and come talk to me or, hell, him.  I mean he’s in a rough spot right now so I don’t know when you’ll be able to but when you get the chance, if you want to.”

James looks around the room again. “Stark is going to be so pissed.”

“We can blame it on Steve.” Sam looks at him. “You wanna move to a different room? Spar? I mean as long as you promise to tie your metal arm behind your back I might have a chance.”

James smiles and shakes his head. All the anger is leaving him and now he just feels exhausted. “Will you help me clean up?”

Sam just smiles and stands, holding a hand out to him. “Sure.”

XXX

James isn’t avoiding Jasper. He isn’t. He watches the man sleep and just happens to leave before he wakes up. And Jasper’s been busy with interrogations so theres that. Right now Jasper is in a room with a woman who introduced herself as Maria Hill. He thinks she looks slightly familiar but doesn’t think he fought her during the SHIELD battle.

Jasper gets around on a wheelchair now and is only allowed in rooms with watchful eyes. Steve and Natasha haven’t asked him about what happened when Jasper woke up but he thinks he has Sam to thank for that. He watches Maria walk around the interrogation room. He’s in a side room where neither of them can see them, with Natasha and Clint. Neither of them look happy.

“You’re telling me that Nick Fury sent you undercover.” Maria starts and sits at the table. “And didn’t tell anyone else.”

“I told him I thought something was going on in SHIELD, I had seen some suspicious activity.” Jasper looks exhausted but determined to answer all her questions. “He told me to check it out, to go deep and to only come out when I thought it would be a problem.”

“You’re not known for your undercover work, Agent Sitwell.” She crosses her arms, “Why you?”

“Didn’t they date for a little while?” Clint looks over at Natasha who nods.

“I think she’s taking the HYDRA thing personally.” She gives him a half shrug.

“I think it was because it was just a hunch.” Jasper licks his lips. “I didn’t know what it was. At first I thought it was a few agents taking too many liberties.  So I was just investigating, following leads, acting interested in what they were up to.”  His hands twitch on the table they’re handcuffed to. At first it seemed like a small group of people wanting to use SHIELD to their own advantage and I was about to report them, but then ... it was HYDRA.”

He looks at her through his one good eye. “It was fucking HYDRA! In SHIELD! What was I supposed to do with that? Report it to Fury right then? I only knew the low ranks of their system, there was no way this was just them. It went higher, it had too. They were too well organized.”

“Why didn’t you tell Director Fury then?” She asks.

“I tried.” He huffs. “I told him it was bigger than I thought and I didn’t know what to do. He told me to go back in and come get him when I thought there was a safe way to remove the problem with minimal casualties.”

“How long did you know about HYDRA?” Everything about this woman screams danger, controlled danger. James looks back to Jasper.

“Five years.”  He answers still meeting her strong gaze. “I thought I had figured it all out in one year but they surprised me.”

“With what?”

“The Winter Soldier.” James sits up a little straighter. “They had Bucky Barnes.  You weren’t friends with Phil Coulson if you didn’t know who Bucky Barnes was. And they had him!”

Jasper’s voices raises a syllable. “I was sure as hell not leaving him with HYDRA. I had to find a way to reveal HYDRA and get him out.  They had so many contingency plans for him: kill him, lock him away, freeze him. It was hard to get past that security and it took me two years before I was his handler.”

“And you still couldn’t figure out a way out then.” Maria’s tone is mocking.

“Not without minimal loss of life.” Jasper admits. “I was never good at that part of the job, I’m the tech guy, I’m the fucking clean up guy. I am not the infiltrate and take down an entire goddamn government types.  That’s you, Agent Romanoff, Agent May ... Agent Coulson. It’s not me Maria, you know this.” Jasper winces after saying her name. “Agent Hill, I’m sorry.”

“And that is why I have a hard time believing any of this Jasper!” She slams her hands on the table. “Are you a HYDRA Agent?”

“No.” He answers immediately.

“Are you a SHIELD Agent?”

“...No.” This time unsure.

“Then what are you?!?” She hits the table again, her tone furious.

“I don’t know!” He shouts back. James can tell he wants to move around but he can’t from the wheelchair. “Fury told me what to do. Fury is gone and I don’t know what to do! I didn’t join SHIELD for its benefits I joined for him and now I don’t know what to do.  I should have done things differently, I shouldn’t have sent them after Steve but then how would he have known how deep it went? I was worried. Fury died and HYDRA was taking over SHIELD and what was I supposed to fucking do? So I thought, well I’ll get the Winter Soldier out. I had promised him I would get him out and and that became my goal. I almost failed that.”  He’s breathing heavily and James realizes the other man is sweating a lot. “Shit shit shit.”

“I killed so many good agents, Maria.” The man is shaking. “I killed so many thinking I could wrap this up in a clean motherfucking bow for Fury. And because of this more than half the agency is dead, Fury’s gone, I thought you were dead. I have no idea if Coulson is still alive. This is my fault okay? So I decided I was going to clean it up, I left James here because I promised him a life and I left to clean up all the bases I knew about. I have so much innocent blood on my hands, what’s a few more HYDRA agents?”

The silence is thick in that room. James swallows before he hears Clint stand up behind him.

“Something’s wrong with him.” Clint presses a button inside of the room. “Maria something is wrong with him and its not the lack of painkillers. He thinks Coulson is alive.” James looks back at the other man who looks a little sick himself. He looks over at Natasha who is watching Maria closely.

Maria actively flinches in the other room. She looks back at them and nods. “Agent Sitwell we should probably stop-” The door to their room slams open and everyone is on their feet instantly.

“You have got yourself into a fine motherfucking mess here, Jasper.” James is pretty sure he killed this guy. He’s wearing a pair of sunglasses instead of an eyepatch, and a hoodie instead of a leather jacket. Steve is right behind him followed by Sam and a pissed looking Stark. James looks at the large black man at the doorway before looking over to Jasper who is looking wide-eyed and pale.

“Sir. You’re back in the country.” Maria states with an annoyed tone.

“Yeah, went to Europe to talk to some HYDRA allies and found out a bunch of them were already dead.” The black man, Nick Fury his brain supplies hasn’t stopped looking at Jasper who looks like he’s going to die from shock. “Wonder what was killing them?”

“You’re dead.” Jasper whispers and everyone goes silent.

“Didn’t stick.” Fury lifts up his sunglasses and looks at the man.

“This isn’t funny.” Jasper pulls on his cuffed hands causing the table to go with him. “This isn’t funny. FUCK!.” He breaks the link holding the cuffs to the table but it pushes him into the wall and he’s pinned by the table. Jasper cries out in pain. “Command Override 5-2-7.”

Nothing happens. Maria moves to unpin the table but Jasper shakes his head and Fury stops her. James realizes everyone is planted to the spot. Watching.

“Command Override 9-6-7-2.” Jasper tries again and James realizes the other man is crying as he curls in on himself. “You’re dead.”

“What is he doing?” Clint whispers.

“He thinks Fury is an LMD.” Natasha answers quietly.

“I am not dead, Jasper.” Nick Fury moves slow and gently pulls the table away. “I am not dead, I am here.  Right here in front of you.  I’m not a life model decoy either. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I have to admit that even I was worried you had gone to the other side.”

“Nick.” The man cries, he slowly reaches out a hand and Fury puts his hand out so he can touch it. “You died and it was my fault.  I killed you.”

 ****

Natasha grabs James’ arm before he can move to leave the room. “Wait.”

“No, the Winter Soldier tried to kill me. I didn’t die.” The black man is whispering. “And I hear you saved him anyway.”

“I couldn’t leave him, Nick.” Jasper is holding onto the older man’s tightly. “I couldn’t, I promised but even if I hadn’t he’s amazing. He needed to be saved, he’s a hero. It was wrong. I thought I could get him out and everything would end and I waited too long, I waited too goddamn long Nick.”

“You did what you thought was right. You did it under my orders.” Nick leans in and James can’t hear what they’re saying anymore. Natasha tugs on the arm she was holding.

“We should leave.” James follows her dumbly. He doesn’t know what else to do. He follows her to the kitchen and she hands him a bottled water. He notices that Clint and Maria Hill aren’t with them but Steve, Sam and Tony are there.

“Did all of you know he was alive? Because I did not.” Tony looks frazzled. “Also what the hell is going on? I did not sign up to bring in this kind of drama.” He takes the water Natasha hands him. “What the hell?”

They all look at her.

“I don’t know the whole story. Sitwell has been with Nick as long as I can remember them. I figured Fury picked him and Coulson at the same time but I don’t know.” She takes a drink of water. “They had been distant for a while, I thought they had a disagreement. It was odd since Sitwell had always been dedicated to Fury. The man came before SHIELD even.”

“That was really intense.” Tony blurts out. “Do you believe him?”

She looks at James before she answers. “Yes.”

Steve looks angry and tired. He looks over at James too, but doesn’t say anything. Sam just keeps looking between them, not even trying to hide it. They all sit there for a few minutes waiting. James wants to leave, to check in on Jasper. But then Clint is walking in dressed for a fight looking pissed. He looks right at Natasha.

“Phil Coulson is alive.”

XXX

James and Sam sit at the kitchen table. Sam is playing solitaire and James is staring into a coffee cup that went cold hours ago. With Clint’s announcement there had been chaos and the team had assembled and taken Fury and Maria Hill with them. He was exhausted but he didn’t want to go back to his room. He didn’t want to go back to sleep.

“I really hope that people coming back to life isn’t a normal thing in this business.” Sam starts breaking the silence. “I don’t think I could handle it.”

James smirks. “You seem to be doing just fine.”

“Don’t sass me.” Sam throws all his cards on the table. “I was still overseas when Cap came back, then you come back, Sitwell dies but not. Some guy named Coulson comes back from the dead, oh lets not forget Nick Fury but I guess I was there for that ...” He pauses. “All of this is too messed up for a simple guy like me.”

“You’re not that simple,” James offers.

“I am though.” The other man sighs. “I’m going to bed, who knows where they went and Steve will call if they need us. You need anything?”

“No thanks.” James offers him a little wave before watching him go. He decides to go back to the medical room they’ve been holding Jasper in. The man was lying down in his bed looking out the window. James walks over slowly before Jasper looks over at him. He stops beside the bed.

“Are you still mad at me?” Jasper asks softly. James thinks about it.

“Yeah I am.” He shrugs. “But not as much as I was. I ... understand why you chose the path you took but I’m still mad I wasn’t with you, to help you with all this.” He pauses thinking about what he should say. “But I also don’t think I’d be the way ... I like the way I’ve become now and I don’t know if that would have happened. So I’m still angry but not as much as I was.”

“When I’m better we can do a road trip.” Jasper is smirking at him, teasing and James snorts shaking his head.

“I’ve been with you on a long drive, you sing too much.” He smiles. “How are you doing?”

Jasper makes a face and sighs.

“I have a family-let me tell you this please.” The man stares at him with his good eye, and James closes his mouth. “I used to have a family I should say. We lived in Mexico but we were poor and we weren’t lucky. My father and older brother ended up working for a cartel. My mom had to deal with the tougher sides of that, I had three younger sisters too.” He pauses and James wants to say he doesn’t need to tell him. He doesn’t need to know but he wants to take whatever this man will give him. “This man came into our house one night when my father and brother were gone and tried to rape my mom. I killed him before he could. I was thirteen.  Later we learned that man was a general or something for the cartel that provided us with food and money. They had my brother kill our father in front of us as the price to pay.”

“Two years later I realize my brother had changed and he no longer cared about protecting our family or providing for it. He drank the juice and wanted to move up in the business he had come to enjoy. I found an American soldier. I thought he was just an army man or something and I told him everything. I wanted them to destroy the Cartel, I wanted them to save my family. The Cartel gets hit badly but not enough to stop business and leave. The problem? Someone had seen me speaking to the American in the village. They came for my family. I killed my brother with my bare hands.”  He stops and takes a breath.

“That American? Was Nick Fury and he came in and saved us from the rest of them. I swore my life to him that day and I wouldn’t take no for an answer. My life for him to send my mother and sister’s to America. My life for him to protect them. He made the deal and I haven’t seen them since. Not in person. And I’ve worked for Nick Fury since. I didn’t care about SHIELD or what organization he worked for at the time, I assigned my purpose to be his because he was a good man. He loves people, no one believes it but he loves people. Thats why he tries so hard to protect them.” His voice wavers and James moves closer to the bed to touch his shoulder. “And he just told me I’ve fulfilled my job, that I don’t have to follow him anymore. I can go see my family if I want to but they wouldn’t even know me anymore, they don’t know what I’ve done.”

“So I don’t know what to do anymore.” Jasper’s voice is raw and James gently reaches out to lightly trace the scars on the man’s face. “And I’m pretty sure I’m still dead.  Being dead sounds a lot easier right now.”

“I sometimes think I’m still frozen, waiting for the next mission. That I’m going to wake up any second, that you won’t be real, that Steve won’t be here and I’ll still be the machine they made me. Being dead would be a lot easier.” He confesses softly and then Jasper is reaching for him and pulling him down and they’re kissing.  Its rough and desperate and he feels Jasper shaking against him, crying.  He lets out a small noise and realizes that he’s shaking too, shivering. He needs this to be real.

They both need this to be real.

“I’m here.” Jasper grounds out with his destroyed voice. “I’m here and I’m not going to leave you again. Not unless you want me to.”

James kisses him hungrily but as gently as he can. He’s being wary of the bruises on the other man’s body as he lays on top of him pushing him against the pillows. Jasper flows with him easily. “You promised me that you would follow me now.” He leans back. “You can’t break that again.”

“I won’t.” Jasper promises and James believes him. He believes that this man will dedicate every fiber of his being to him if he asked.  He kisses him again. He moves more comfortably for both of them wrapping his arm around the other man while Jasper holds onto his metal wrist and they kiss, not expecting anything more and not making the move for it.  Jasper’s in no condition for it and James doesn’t think it would help either of them very much.

****

“I’m sorry.” Jasper whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not.” James finds he means it,  they both came out of this alive and he sometimes forgets how impossible that should have been. He smiles. Jasper's face is splattered still with bruises and if he thinks about it there's still a cold deep in his bones. But in that moment, it doesn't matter. It's a worry for tomorrow.

They kiss again.

XXX

****  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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_6 months later._

 

"How to we need gas again?" Jasper groans as James pulls off the highway. "You drive horribly." He yawns looking at the green scenery around them. The sun was bright in the sky warming him up just in a way where he wanted to go back to sleep. 

"Says the man who slept like a baby through North Carolina." James huffs rolling his eyes.  Jasper gives him an amused smile. "Can you go in and get me one of those italian ice things again?" 

"It's a slurpee and hell no." He says but he's already pulling out his wallet as they pull into the stop. He pauses realizing how warm the side of his face was with the eye-patch. "Goddammit I'm driving after this, I am not getting a stupid eye-patch tan line."  

"Sexy." Jasper glares at the man in the drivers seat. 

"Now you don't get a slurpee. Only nice people get surgary diabetes forming drinks, you my not nice friend are getting a coffee. Caffiene free.  Don't think I won't." James grabs his arm mid-rant and pulls him into a kiss before Jasper can evacuate the car.  He hums into it.  This stupid road trip wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. It had been a long road of healing at Avengers Tower between trying to remember everything he had learned while part of HYDRA and fixing whatever this was with James. 

He wanted it to continue.

"Fine, you get a small one."

"What do I have to do for a large one?" James asks in a sultry tone and Jasper blinks at him with his one good eye. 

"You are disgusting. You are not offering me sexual favors for a slurpee, the goddamn world has ended." He slides out of the car."You aren't getting anything now and I get to choose the next restaurant and it will not be McDonalds!" He shouts the last part as he walks away and James mimics pouting before getting out to gas the car.

"Nasty." He mumbles to himself as he walks into the station and makes a beeline for the slurpee stand and grabbing two cups, just because he gives James a hard time doesn't mean he doesn't like them.  He looks over to the cashier who's texting on her phone rather angrily, break up or friends cancelling plans he guesses mentally. 

\---

James can see Sitwell go to the slurpee machine through the windows at the station and smiles, he hooks the handle on the gas pump so he doesn't have to hold it and moves to the front seat to grab garbage and do a little cleaning.  Jasper would probably appreciate it now that its his turn to drive, they keep switching at each fill up. 

He wonders idly when Steve's call was going to be coming in, it wasn't always Steve calling but James could tell who was actually checking in on them. Unless it was Coulson, he was pretty sure that man had a satellite following them or something.

"Hey mister." 

James manages not to hit his head in the roof of the van as he turns to the van that pulled up beside theirs, there's a pretty blonde lady sitting in the passenger seat who looks at her friend driving before looking back at him. "Yeah?"

"You know the best way to get to Greenville from here? We're kinda lost." Her voice has a hint of an accent, James tries to place it. 

"Sorry not from here." He tries to sound apologetic, and she just smiles. 

"Aw shucks, you wouldn't happen to have a map wouldya? Both of our phones died and we can't get GPS." She pouts and James's spine tingles. There's something about her. He frowns as she smiles at him. 

"Sorry we don't have one, but I bet they sell a map inside." He looks her over before looking at her friend, a red haired girl with freckles, she looks at him and he freezes. He knows her. 

"That's not very nice Winter Soldier, you should always help a lady in need." She grins pulling her gun out and pointing at him.  " _Sputnik_." 

Something clicks, he can actually hear it.  A small click in his head and his body freezes, he looks at her wide-eyed as she smiles at him. He can't move his arms and his legs give out making him hit the ground hard. What-Jas-

"Told ya that would work." The red head laughs. 

Everything goes black. 

\---

Jasper looks to see James talking to some blonde chick before looking back at the cashier who was typing even angrier if possible, on her phone. 

"You know, leaving a loud angry voice mail might get the point across better." He offers and she glares up at him. 

"I don't want to take the chance of him answering his goddamn phone." She bites out slamming the phone on the counter.  Jasper doesn't say anything and she huffs. "It's my brother he's supposed to pick me up but he isn't answering his phone." She sighs. "Sorry you did not need to know that; paying with cash or card?"

"Here." He hands her a twenty, half tempted to offer her a ride but its just him and James right now and he knows they both look sketchy as fuck. "Keep the change in case you need a cab."

"Seriously?" She looks at him disbelieving. 

"Yeah my friend and I-" Jasper looks out and James isn't there. The car is there with the door open but Jasper doesn't see him, not even through the car windows. "One sec." He ignores her questioning look and goes outside, there are no other cars a the station and he left his gun in the car. He approaches slowly before going around the car. No one. He pulls out his phone and dials. 

"James?" He asks loudly just in case, he peaks into the open door and his heart stops. 

On the drivers seat is a metal coin. 

"Fuck!" He backs away from the car looking around the area, trying to see if he was actually alone, he sees the tenant inside the station watching him.  His heart is hammering in his chest and he runs back to her. "Do you have security cameras?" 

"What?" 

"Do you have security cameras?" He asks again startling her, she shakes her head. 

"N-no they're fake, do I need to call the cops?" 

"Fuck." He runs back to the car and his phone picks up. 

"Hey Sitwell!" Steve Rogers hums into the phone. "I was just about t-"

"They have James." He interrupts picking up the gold coin from the seat. It has a skull with eight tentacles on it. "HYDRA has him again." 

 

 

 

 

XXX 

 tbc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for being part of this ride with me! I hope all of you enjoyed it and feel free to check out my tumblr for more future updates!
> 
> dr-kara.tumblr.com


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